just now, a jet or something flew overhead.  the noice grew louder and louder, until it was filled with this incredle roar.  the floor was shaking and it just kept growing louder and louder.  it sounded as if any moment i was going to feel a jet crash into my building, or hear the explosion of a bomb or something.  it was terrifiying.  and just as quickly as it came, the jet left and the sky is silent again. and yet my heart is still pounding.

it's not that i was afraid that i was going to die.  i'm not afraid of death, though i do not wish to die now.  but i am afraid of pain.  i don't want to have to suffer in agony before the final moments come.  and for a moment, i thought those moments were about to come.

well, i got another rejection letter the other day.  UCONN doesn't want me either.  i never had much hope for yale, but i still haven't heard from them, and i haven't heard from Williams either.  Williams is the job i really wanted, and had the most hope for, but its been nearly 4 months now, so i'm not holding my breath on it.

i've got a few more jobs that i'll send my resume out to today or tomorrow, and we'll see how that goes.  but the clock is ticking down and soon in a few short weeks i'll be moving back to my parents house and then i'll be unemployed.  so hopefully something will come along soon.

i am bummed about the lack of luck i've had in my job search, but i'm doing alright, all things considered.  it's still incredibly difficult opening the door every time i come home from work, but the anime boston con is this weekend, and Akiko is coming to visit, so i have things to look forward to.

Akiko and i are wearing our Saiyuki costumes, and we're even doing a skit in the mascarade on saturday night.  we're calling our skit, "Saiyuki Shakespearian Players."  i'm really looking forward to it. 

i've also spent the past couple days reading/translating the first Fushigi Yuugi novel.  now that i am not in class anymore, i decided it was time to start working on my Japanese studies again.  it's been going really really well.  (slow, but well.)  i'm really feeling very confidant on the accuracy of my translation for the first couple paragraphs, though the past couple sentences i've translated i can't understand totally because i can't find a word in the dictionary.  but i'm still feeling really great about it.  there was this one sentence that i couldn't figure out how to express in english, but i could UNDERSTAND the concept that was expressed in the Japanese.  it was the most amazing feeling.  after the last two years of undergrad left me feeling incredibly discouraged with my (lack of) Japanese abilities, it feels incredibly good to finally feel like i can actually do this.  i can actually read a novel.  (sure, it takes me a half hour to read a single sentence, but slow and steady, i'm doing it.) so yay! go me!

current mood: tired, but excited, even if a bit depressed underneath.
current music: Anime Tenchou: Aoi Todoku

When I opened the door, I knew that there would be nothing there, and yet long-established habits are hard to break and I found myself looking down to see if there was a white, orange, and black blur waiting to try sneaking out the door as I came in. 

I've tried to be strong.  Sure, I went home for a day, but then I was back to Boston and back to work.  This weekend I went to visit friends at my old alma mater martial arts festival.  On the whole I had a fun weekend.  It was great to see people, and while I couldn't join in the martial arts funness, I watched the various seminars and got to talk with several new and cool people. 

And yet periodically throughout the weekend I had to struggle not to succumb to the depression that lurked under the surface.  Several times I nearly fell into it.  Despite being around people and friends, I just felt so alone.  I had this almost desperate need for touch.  I NEEDED hugs. 

Yesterday marked the first week, but I had work for most of the day, and after that there was an unexpected early shipment of comics, which made me happy and kept me distracted.

And that brings me to today, when I came home from work to my empty apartment and began to sob as soon as the door was closed.  I have tried to be strong.  I listened to some music and watched some television. 

And then a friend of mine is having problems and I want to help him and be supported, but I cannot seem to deal with anyone else's problems right now. 

And I started to cry again.  And as I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I know I should probably call someone or something.  I ought to turn to a friend for support or something.  But who should I call?  I mean, what is the purpose in calling someone to just cry at them?  It's not like there is anything that can be done.  

"This world can really be too much
I can't take another day
I guess that I've just had enough
My minds slipping far away
I'm falling in and out of touch
Could someone please explain?
What is real?  What is real?"

Squeakers

September 1, 1988 - March 22, 2004

RIP, you will be missed.